Ich möchte eine authentische Erfahrung...

Hallo meine kleine Lämmer!

I'm sitting here in my office, taking a mental health break. For some reason, it seems that every time I turn around, someone says dejectedly "Oh well, it is what it is." Everyone is down at the mouth here because of this crappy litigation that's eating up all of our time...but seriously...what does that even mean? And how does it apply? Oh well.

Anyway, this week has been tiring and is going by in a blur. I'm looking forward to end of business hours tomorrow, so I can be home-free for a blissful (and hopefully not as hot) couple days. I've been scatterbrained too - as evidenced by the fact that I left my cell phone in my desk drawer at work for the past two nights.

Monday night, Tammy and I went to The Trocadero to see Alexa Wilkinson, Vanessa Carlton, and Joshua Radin. Not only is The Troc one of my favorite venues (Red Rocks is second to none), but the company and music were phenomenal as well.

• I hadn't heard of Alexa Wilkinson before, but she was very talented. She played the guitar and sang (common among singer/songwriters), but also played the trumpet during one of Vanessa Carlton's songs. Her lyrics are very profound, so I bought a copy of her CD (she signed it too!) fer madd cheep.
  

• Vanessa Carlton was simply amazing. Her music and lyrics have a way of enchanting me, but seeing her live brought me up to a whole other level and I spent her entire set covered in goosebumps.
  

• I was certainly not as familiar with Joshua Radin as I am with VC, even though he was the headliner. His lyrics were also profound, and he had a short story behind every song which made it more meaningful. He was awesome and his crooning made me melt, so I got his CD too - for some reason the CDs at the concert were cheaper than they retail, which was pleasantly surprising because most concerts jack the CD prices up by at least 25%. After the concert Joshua signed the CD booklet and even gave me a hug!
  

Sidenote: over the course of the past couple of years, as cell phones get increasingly advanced and combined with just about every other digital media device, many people experience a significant amount of their lives through the camera/camcorder on their cell phones. At the concert, Tam and I were surrounded by people - mostly our age or younger - who basically watched the concert on the tiny digital screens of their cell phones, cameras, and camcorders. I was relieved to see that the older generations present at the show seemed to recognize the reason concerts are called "live" performances, and how said performances are intended to be enjoyed. I tend to experience things with as many senses as possible, so I enjoy the way live music courses through my entire body and mind. To say that watching an entire show on a little screen would seriously detract from that, to say the least.

I, for one, crave an authentic experience, and think it's safe to say that's how I will always be.

Entropy

I saw Dark Knight last night. Finally! What a tremendous experience.



Aside from the fact that Joker was played scarily well, his acknowledgment and application of chaos theory to his actions was pretty mind-bending. I'm not sure that I've ever experienced a film - one for the purpose of entertainment anyway - that tapped into such a deep well of insight and philosophy. That may be a little extreme, but if I have witnessed in a movie such a dark cyclone of thought-provoking analysis of a very real, very natural phenomenon, I certainly can't remember it. I was intrigued by the concept of orderly disorder when studying thermodynamics, and was reminded of my fascination with entropy. This quick rundown of how I related chaos theory in Dark Knight to thermodynamic entropy is not meant to be definitive by any stretch, but rather my humble take on the matter. Some don't even define entropy as order/disorder anymore...that's just the way I loosely see it. Back to the movie...I'd really like to see it again because there was just too much brilliance to be absorbed in one sitting.

To say Heath Ledger was incredible as Joker would be a gross understatement. We'll leave it at that though, because it would take me a long time to sit here and try to come up with an apt adjective. I may even have to use the thesaurus. Eh. He was fabulous anyway. As I recall, he's the only celebrity about whose death I was actually shaken deeply. I was extremely sad when Peter Jennings died, but if I may venture to say, though horrible, succumbing after battling cancer is much more natural than an accidental overdose (assuming that's what happened) when one has his whole life ahead of him, including a small child upon whom he doted. Ah well...such is life. And death.

Onward.

Now this is sure to blow all y'all (yes I just went there) away...but...
I
found
a
toy
in
my
boxof
cereal
this
morning

I will give you a moment to absorb this.

H'okay so. I blearily opened a brand new box of Honey Nut Cheerios this morning - I'm not usuall a morning person unless I'm rising early for sports - and immediately perked up when I found my super-awesome Batman disc launcher in the box. In mind, I was whisked back to my early youth, to the days when I would rush through a box of cereal just so I could open a new one; as soon as the cardboard flap was hastily pried open, I would plunge my (clean) hand into the cereal to retrieve the cheap plastic toy. At least the toy I unearthed (uncerealed?) was outside the bag.


My incredibly boss launcher is the third one.

Kthxbai!

I'm conducting it all while I sleep, to light this whole town

I'm feeling a bit like Muffin today:

I need to start going to bed earlier...

Oh! I found my library card! I'm going straight to the library after work.

...and their was much rejoicing. Yay.

Sidenote: Ceiling Cat, please let there be an "Arrested Development" movie in the works.

Tonight's entry is brought to you by the letter "Mu!" [cue Sesame Street theme]

Storms exhilirate me.

We have a sunroom in our apartment with a couple large skylights. I love the rhythmic drumming of rain on the glass, and the very unique sounds that can only be made by the drops slapping against the leaves of the trees that surround my house. The only thing I don't like is when the crab apples fall onto the skylights and roll off...sheesh. Makes me jump every time!

I'm excited to see "Dark Knight." I'm also looking forward to this Monday; Tam and I have plans to go see Joshua Radin and Vanessa Carlton in concert (there's one other opener I am forgetting...). To boot, The Trocadero is one of my favorite venues.

In other, more dismal news, the friend issue I mentioned earlier looks as though it cannot be resolved. Such is life. All you can do is give it a fair try, and I can honestly say I did my very best. Sometimes there's just a fork in the road, or perhaps (*cough*) a T-intersection on a 79% grade hill that just so happens to be covered in liquid hot magma because it's actually been an active volcano all along...which you didn't realize until just now. Whoops!

Moooooving right along.

O hai! Aym glad ur heer...sinse weer speekin of "moo," mai Cowfrnd and I maed sum artwrk fur ur enjoimntz:

Heheeeehehhehehehe.
Chucklz. I haz dem.


kthxnite!

Justice Served

UPDATE:

The burglar who broke into the 1st floor apartment of my house was caught! Jermaine and Mia (the wonderful couple living downstairs with their baby Chidima) ID'd the burglar after the detectives caught him prowling around the area surprisingly indiscreetly.

The burglar was not the brightest crayon in the box, as he was wearing one of Jermaine's watches and carrying his Blackberry when he was nabbed...

Anyway, I just got off the phone with Mia, and while I'm certainly not going to let my guard down as I'm out and about in the city, I definitely feel more at ease especially as I will be home alone for the next few nights.

Philately

I try to learn a new word each day...and philately is today's word!

I thought it looked a bit questionable, but was pleasantly surprised:

Web definitions for Philately
	The hobby of stamp collecting. www.stamps.org/kids/january/stamps_vocabulary.htm - Definition in context

Anyway, I'm pleased to know "philately," because it's one of those words that just suits me.

I'm having some friend troubles. I think this friend is close enough to me so that we can sort this out and resolve the issues on both sides, but it's still very unsettling. Messes with my chi, dammit!

This heat is really getting to me. Humidity makes me aware of my lupus at all times (pressure in chest, achy joints, fatigue, etc.), I'm too hot to go to yoga (where the room is heated to 105 degrees as it is), too hot to play outside (hike, bike, etc.), and have to be careful in observing my eating habits, which is alien to me as someone who loves food and grew up in a family that celebrates nommable cuisine. Basically, when it gets friggin stifling like it is now, I am simply not hungry - even when presented with my favorite foods. This is in addition to the fact that cooking makes my kitchen hotter. Speaking of, after I'm done posting I gotta find me some vittles.

Dante's working 2nd shift and is leaving straight from work for Pittsburgh. I'm a little jealous (but mostly happy for him) because he gets to play cards, eat Smiley cookies at Eat'n'Park, hang out with cool people, be with his family, etc....basically all that "home" encompasses. Granted, I was just in Pittsburgh over the weekend...but yeah. Not only is it just not the same as Colorado (obviously), I didn't get to see any of my friends, a.k.a. Dante's friends who kindly adopted me as their own and who I now hold very near and dear to my heart. Aww warmfuzzies.

I get really lonely in Philly sometimes. I'm actually a little freaked out right now too, which doesn't help. Over the past few days, there have been break-ins on the first floor of my house (I live on the second), the first floor of the house next door, and my crazy neighbor upstairs said that it looked like someone tampered with one of the locks that leads to the entryway we share with him. This is alarming because we live in a very safe neighborhood, and the nature of the break-ins suggests that the burgled homes were scoped out, as the crimes would occur soon after the residents would leave. I am grateful to live on the 2nd floor, but that still doesn't keep me from feeling paranoid.

I hugged someone today. She was must have been wearing the same moisturizer my sister uses on her face, because I closed my eyes for a second after I caught a whiff of the stuff, and imagined I was hugging my dear Ada. Startling reminders like that, in any form, cause a pang of homesickness but a surge of love at the same time. I'm lucky to have such a family and home.

Speekn of mai deer seestr, she plz 2 sent dis tewdai. Iz happeemakin.

more cat pictures

Aww. Ai goes chear up nao kthxbai!

Young Folks

I'm by no means James Blunt's biggest fan, but I love his cover of "Young Folks," originally by Peter, Bjorn, and John.



I first heard the original at my brother's house in Melbourne, FL. I had been really stressed out in Philadelphia for one reason or another, but mostly just worn down from the grind of city life. I went to Eric's for the weekend, and awoke the first morning in a quiet, cool room illuminated by the bright, yet unoppressive sunlight filtering in through the blinds. Eric had "Young Folks" playing in the living area and was the first thing I heard upon waking. As I lay, rested and content, the lyrics (and cheerful whistling!) drifted into my room and bound themselves to the feelings I savored in that moment: peace, familiarity, and relaxation that can only be achieved in a home* environment. Not only is "Young Folks" a good song, but it also immortalized my comfortable tangle of just-waking-up thoughts...which I think is the real reason I love it so much.

In other obscure music news, Feist was on Sesame Street:



Awesome. Seriously.

These are a few of the thoughts running through my head right now:

I have no idea why I love Bikram Yoga so much, because I feel extremely uncomfortable in this heat and humidity. My hair doesn't like it either. Before moving here, if someone told me that completely-straight hair could frizz, I would not believe him for a second.

Despite living in Pennsylvania (at least off-and-on) for 5 years, I still feel completely taken by small wonders such as lightning bugs and trees that bloom.

I really love the Penguins' Winter Classic jerseys. I'd be tickled pink to have a Sykora one. Partially because my lucky number is 17.

I have a party dress that I love and looks great on me (if I may say so!) but haven't found occasion to wear.

Yup. Still obsessed with LOLspeak. It just never gets old.

I could really use some chapstick.

I feel better, stronger, faster, and more comfortable being in my own body with each passing day as I shed the evidence of my last horrible flare. Literally: shed.

I have crushes on vampires in books. Like, heart-aching, puppy-dog, middle school crushes. Specifically Edward Cullen from Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series, Constantine in Robin McKinley's "Sunshine," and currently William Compton in Charlaine Harris's "Southern Vampire" series. Seriously...these vampires are so dreamy.

I wonder why I twirl my hair around my finger without thinking about it when I'm tired. I've done this since I was a wee Sherri. At least I don't suck my thumb anymore.

I find beauty in function.

I just found out that Clifford the Big Red Dog is a vizsla! I love vizslas.

And lastly, I don't care what anyone says; I do believe there are still many mysteries left in the world. I hope some remain undiscovered.

Ok kids, time for bed.

*NOTE: Since I moved across the country for college, I stopped defining "home" exclusively as a geographical location, and began to attach the concept of "home" to people. Thus, being at Eric's apartment, regardless of the fact that the place is brand new and I've only been there twice, was like being home to me.

Letting Go

After a couple cathartic conversations last night (Dad and Raro), I'm in a much better place and feel infinitely more centered. Writing that blog entry helped too...regardless of what Morgan got into and the decisions he made, I prefer to remember him at his best; as the person I know he was at his core. Some prefer to be angry with him, and remember him the way he acted when he was abusing substances. There are also people who can't help but feel that way. This is entirely their prerogative and I respect that, but I think it takes more energy to be mad and negative than it does to be positive and at peace. Oh well...each to his own. Each person deals with grief and anger in his own way and knows what's best for his own personality.

I knew that most of the reason I was so frantic was due to the impending memorial, and the fact that I would miss it. Also the fact that out here 1800 miles from home, I couldn't properly talk to others who knew him and try to work through my mixed feelings...I usually understand myself pretty well, and not being able to wrap my head around the situation and identify some sort of logic and understanding was very disturbing and affected me profoundly. That was causing me to flounder a little bit. Thankfully, I think my feelings are pretty well sorted out now and I can move on. Last night my dad suggested that today at 1:00 PM (the memorial will take place in Colorado Springs at 11:00 AM) I just take a short walk and think good thoughts, then let go and continue on the happy path along which I'm leading myself. I won't forget Morgan of course, but I have to observe the fact that he made a choice and took action. I don't agree with the way he left things, but it is what it is. Talking to my dad was very therapeutic as well as educational. I don't know why I didn't call him earlier...the week certainly would have been easier. It's no secret that the man is a fountain of wisdom. Everyone in my family is brilliant and has varied experience and insight; maybe it's just that he has dealt with things like this before. Plus, he's just "Dad."

Back to work. Peace out...for real!

Thanks for the Memories

I'd known Morgan since his first day of school in Colorado. He came from the great state of Texas, and right from the get-go, we were buddies. I am heartbroken that he was in so much pain he felt he had no alternative other than to end his own life, but I will focus on the happy times I shared with him and the joy his spirit brought to everyone who was lucky enough to know him.

I was reluctant to write this, mostly because I feel as though no expression of wordsmithing or emotion would be good enough for him. However, I just had to put something out there...mostly for selfish reasons, as I need an outlet for the ever-increasing amount of pressure being bottled up inside me and the fact that the 1,800 miles of distance between here and Colorado Springs has never seemed greater. I've also never felt so isolated, as there is no one where I am who can understand the light that Morgan took with him when he left.

Among many memories with which he left me, two specifically come to mind and invariably cause me to burst out laughing through my tears:
1) He rocked a mullet and sported an impressive cowlick until middle school. It was awesome. Everything is bigger in Texas, and apparently that included the hairdos of prepubescent boys. With the aid of products that made his hair shiny, rigid, and remarkably aromatic, he donned his Texan crown proudly. I'm pretty sure all the girls had crushes on him at some point.
2) He baked his very first batch of cookies in my kitchen on Suntide Place. Not only were each of his cookies little gooey masterpieces, but hilarity ensued in our cookie-making process, including a flour fight, dough mysteriously smeared on the ceiling, and Morgan "accidentally" chopping off a chunk of my hair (the damage was not visible, thank goodness). The entire day was spent bustling to the melodious tones of laughter and good conversation. We ended up with something like 15 dozen cookies for a school function. After our cookies were devoured, we got rave reviews...no doubt because lots of care and love went into them.

This quick entry should not be considered a worthy tribute to Morgan's amazing personality, his short but meaningful life, or the ways in which he profoundly affected so many...but rather a means by which I can share a couple vignettes to serve as little windows into the scope of my experience with him, that I will hold near and dear to my heart forever. I feel so blessed not only to have shared a friendship with Morgan, but also that when I think of him my impulse to laugh and smile is overwhelmingly more powerful than my urge to cry. I think (and hope) that's how he would have wanted it to be.

Morgan, thanks for letting me be part of your awesome existence. I just hope that wherever you are, you're not in pain anymore and that you have a perfect vantage point from which you can see the countless people who love you and your family for the small, everyday miracles you created just by being yourself.

Below is his obituary, published in the local paper today.

February 7, 1985 - July 10, 2008 Morgan Scott Hutchins, age 23, passed away unexpectedly July 10. He is survived by his parents, Hutch and Kay, his brother Taylor, his maternal grandparents Steve and Evelyn Jones of Albuquerque, his paternal grandparents Bob and Gene Hutchins also of Albuquerque, his aunts and uncles Ray and Teri Jones of Orlando, FL, Steve Hutchins of Ada, OK, Larry and Debra Kincaid, Jim and Debra Hutchins, Dan and Cathy Hutchins, all of Albuquerque. Morgan also leaves behind the love of his life, Linsey Bottiger, and a multitude of dear friends, co-workers and neighbors who cherished him. Everyone who knew Morgan was drawn to his magnetic charm, electric smile and his beautiful expressive eyes. He loved his music, snowboarding, climbing 14er's, canoeing and fishing, and he was an inventive cook. He was an affectionate and loving son, and his passing leaves an enormous hole in our lives. Morgan had a huge heart with room enough for everybody else's joys and pain. He was outwardly exuberant about life and could light up a room just walking through the door. He just could not love himself the way he loved his family and friends. He was deeply loved by his mom, his dad, his brother and his Linsey. We pray his soul is at peace now, but we will miss him and love him forever. The memorial service for Morgan will be Thursday, July 17 at 11:00 AM at Sunrise United Methodist Church, 2655 Briargate Blvd. In lieu of flowers we request that donations be made in Morgan's name to HEARTBEAT, an aftercare program of the Suicide Prevention Partnership, 2860 Circle Drive, Suite 102, Colorado Springs 80916... --> FH = Swan-Law Funeral Directors -->
Published in The Gazette on 7/15/2008

Notice for Morgan Scott Hutchins

Devastated is an understatement.

Please visit the Notice for Morgan Scott Hutchins.
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=LS000113416065X
Click on the above link or cut and paste the url into your browser's address bar.

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