The snow itself is lonely or, if you prefer, self-sufficient. There is no other time when the whole world seems composed of one thing and one thing only.

It's been another one of those days where I wake up exhausted, the work day crawls by, I finally get home and - BAM - it's suddenly midnight and I don't know how the time was frittered away.  

However...tonight I'm ok with the fact that the hour is late, because it's snowing.  I've been sitting in my papasan chair admiring the falling snow, mug of hot herbal tea in hand (it's Sleepytime Extra, Ada!), sconces illuminated, and am feeling very calm and content.

I like to think of snowy nights that brighten into white mornings as blank canvases...which is just what I need.  The possibilities are endless!

I love snow.  And I'm off to bed.

Er immer glaubt/e in mir...

Ich bin so glücklich.

For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.

I just talked to my sister...which, as usual, was exactly what I needed.

I'm off to Fairmount Park in search of a wise old tree with whom I can speak silently and sit beneath.  She shouldn't be that difficult to find.  In fact, she will probably find me!

P.S. Thanks for the sage words Friedrich.

Have you seen my peace?

I'm not a happy camper.  I haven't felt this way in a very long time, and was hoping I never would again.

I'm by myself at the moment, and can't for the life of me find my peace.

:(

Occasionally (ok, rarely), when I wonder if I should write more insightful/structured entries, I remind myself:

"And by the way, everything is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt."

-Sylvia Plath

...aaaaaaaaand by the way, I kinda really want a ShamWow.  

How's that for depth?

Thanks, Rick Steves!

I'm not at all dissatisfied with my life or unhappy...in fact, I'm with the perfect person, in the right place at the right time, but there's something inside me that stirs every now and then and lusts for adventure.  My mom once told me that until she moved to Colorado, she would get bored with places and need to move frequently in order to keep from going stir crazy.  I attribute part of my tiny restless nomadic streak to inheritance, but perhaps it's mostly a result of the fact that we moved and traveled constantly basically from birth until the age of 7.  Anyway, I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I had taken a different path on my journey, or if I lived in a different place, or if I picked a different career track?  What if I wake up tomorrow and just hop in my car or on a plane or train and just go someplace entirely different for a week?  Three weeks?  Six months?  Equipped with nothing but my phone, wallet, medications, some spare socks and underwear, and Dante's blessing (of course I would come back after my journey)?  Meh.  Just musing.  I really do want to Eurail though.

I'm watching "Rick Steves' Iran: Yesterday and Today" on PBS, which is interesting because I just started listening to Anousheh Khalili, who is an amazingly talented Persian-American singer/songwriter.  Check her out, srsly!

I was reading an article recently about how "Iranians" and "Persians" are not one and the same, contrary to popular belief.  This Steves guy is taking the viewer through present-day Iran, but is very much focused on the wonders and contributions of the Persian culture, which is great because I think a lot of folks "out west" often imagine state-sponsored terrorism and American-flag burning crazies when they think of Iran.  It happens, but Iran encompasses so much more than that.  Aaaand that's the extent of my borderline-political commentary.  I really don't like to go there at all.  Ever.  So now I'm going to get off this little soapbox because I don't know exactly how I climbed up on top of it in the first place.  Errnnh?

Anyway.  Steves systematically covered aspects of Persian culture and components, and I got so homesick my eyes prickled and I could hardly breathe.  I don't think I realize how much Persian-ness is woven into the foundation of my life until I see it presented to me from outside of my home environment.  I see the Seven Spices, the Persian kebab, saffron chicken, the Norouz celebration, faloodeh...I could practically smell the food and missed sitting around a table with my family.  Persian rugs were unfurled for display; I saw several traditional patterns that were almost-exact matches to the ones on which I walked every single day from my first steps to high school graduation.  When examples of Persian jewelery were presented to Steves, I saw a necklace just like ones my mom wears, rings just like my aunt and uncle wear, and symbols like the Persian Lion.  Omar Khayyam was one of the first poets I ever read (I guess I should say...my dad read to me), and was instrumental in my love for wordsmithery.  Wow.  It's incredible the things you can learn about yourself - totally indirectly - from a documentary.  I am an American and proud of it, but I love having some Persian run so deep.

Whew.  Every single night I go to bed late, then struggle to wake up the next morning.  The next morning, I promise myself I will go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then I don't.  And so begins the cycle all over again.  This is a problem because I prefer working out in the morning (translate: I haven't been working out).  Hrrumpf.  I need to get a routine down, and I know it will be easier for me to do that when Dante has a set schedule, but ultimately, it's up to me to stop procrastinating.

Dante just introduced me to the song "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event.  I can't stop listening to it.  For your enjoyment, here's the video:

The family that lives downstairs (ironically named Bird), just got a cockatiel.  Why would I think that?!  It sounds like Sonny used to when he would shriek!  Good thing it doesn't annoy me (I love birds!) because if it did I would have half a mind to go down there and tell them to put a towel over the cage.  I miss my birdies.

Final sidenote: Kiki is an excellent sleep aid.  After I get in bed, as soon as she settles down on my chest and starts to purr I begin to drift off.  Oh and I'm sure you were wondering about my teeth: they still hurt.  Goodnight!

Surya Namaskar > Caffeine

Sun Salutations (Surya Namaskar) are ever so therapeutic and do a good job of waking me up.  I've really been bad about practicing yoga lately...I'm going to start tomorrow with at least three sets of Sun Salutations.  It's amazing how a little yoga in the morning can set the tone for the whole day.

I'm going to bed in a few minutes.  As I try to drift off, I will probably do some "yoga for insomnia," such as Happy Baby, Goddess Pose, Corpse Pose (Savasana...so important), and Three-Part Breath.  Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose (yes that's really what it's called) is something I'll try tonight too.  I am convinced that yoga can prevent/treat/cure insomnia, as evidenced by the fact that I never had a problem sleeping when I was actively involved in yoga even during my most manic times...which tells me something.  Tomorrow I will begin again.

I really like Twitter (see gadget to the right) because I can update it via text message.  I love text messaging!

My teeth hurt.  Weird.

I'm dehydrated.

I was flattered to have been dubbed "the grammar police" at work today.

I still love my new layout.

Bedtime.

I'm having a whale of a time...

...with this new layout.

I abs-itively pos-olutely 100% without-a-doubt love it!

kthxnite!

Specs.

H’okay, so.

My ophthalmology appointment went really well.  The great news is that the hydroxychloroquine has left my eyes with no permanent damage and they’re structurally sound with the exception of astigmatism, which is basically a non-issue as far as I’m concerned, and unrelated to SLE.  I think my mom has it too.  What I did not know is that a less common side-effect of SLE is dry eyes (also minor), so the doctor recommended using artificial tears which should help a little bit with my ocular fatigue.  I got some from the pharmacy, used them, and true to their name found them to be very "Refresh"-ing.

The “meh…whatever” news is that the drug apparently just made my eyesight blurry, which could happen to anyone.  My right eye is 20/30 and my left is 20/40, which is really minor for most people.  The doctor told me that the reason it seems so drastic to me is because my vision has always been better than perfect (20/15 was where I last placed on the visual acuity scale and I believe I placed either 20/12 or 20/10 at some point). 

No big deal.  It’s a very small price to pay for my health, compared to the damage that could be sustained while/after taking hydroxychloroquine for years.  I don’t even think neglecting to get my eyes examined in 2 years had any bearing on my needing glasses so I’m relieved.

Dante helped me pick out some cool frames; they’re this model (called Roxie!) in burgundy:

The optical shop is right in the practice’s office, so it was convenient, the frames and lenses were free (!), and all I had to pay out of pocket was a fairly nominal fee to make the lenses anti-glare which will make a world of difference in night driving.  My glasses should be ready within the week.  I’m glad I prepped myself for this because if I hadn’t, I might not be mildly excited to have spiffy, lovely-colored, nerdy-yet-edgy spectacles.

“If the eye does not want to see, neither light nor glasses will help”

Tomorrow I'm going to see the eye doctor.

I'm anxious to find out what's going on.  One of the medications I take wreaks havoc on the eyes, and I'm supposed to see an ophthalmologist every 6-12 months to make sure there's nothing going on in there (retinal toxicity, clouding of the cornea, etc).  Yeah…so.  I haven't gotten an eye exam in 1.5 years, which is totally stupid because I'm usually on top of necessary routine maintenance.  I just lost track of time especially after becoming an independent and not seeing my USAF doctors anymore.

I'm alarmed because over the last 6 weeks or so, my vision suddenly noticeably worsened.  I mean, I woke up one morning and noticed that my vision was blurry.  That night, I was driving someplace and had a terrifying ride on 676 because I was totally blinded by oncoming headlights AND my mirrors reflecting the light from the cars behind me.  All the lights had what can best be described as a starburst look to them, and I basically tweaked out when an ambulance with sirens blaring sped by with its offending lights.  My knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel and I was a nervous wreck when I finally got to my destination.  This problem is much worse in the rain; I can't see a damn thing (including the lines on the road).  Also, my eyes get downright fatigued, which is a very strange feeling and something that never even occurred to me could happen.  I look around, and regardless of whether it's night or day, after awhile, my eyelids are drooping and my eye sockets feel as if they just ran a marathon.  That's right people; apparently my peepers are now in the business of marathons because they're always sore and tired – clearly need a lot more training because it doesn't take much to make them totally pooped.

Tons of people wear glasses.  I have always been proud of my perfect eyesight for some reason; I realize it's a silly thing to be proud of, but there you have it.  Maybe it has something to do with being related to pilots who have stellar vision.  At least if I need glasses I can pick out cute ones, right?  I'm lucky to have issues with my eyes now, if ever, because my vision benefits just drastically improved; thanks Rhoads!

As far as chronic conditions go, SLE is a pretty good one to have.  I mean sure, my particular case is severe enough to be potentially life threatening, or could be if I didn't happen to be very meticulous about managing it, but c'mon.  My nervous system isn't deteriorating, I have all of my limbs and am mobile, I am able to care for myself, I don't require dialysis or a kidney transplant (knock on wood), and I have health insurance and a phenomenal social support system.  I know that most of the people who read my blog understand my outlook on lupus (and fibro, hypothyroidism, and Raynaud's – which isn't even that big of a deal), but sometimes I just like to step back and remind myself that I have it pretty damn good as far as these things go, especially when I start to get nervous about things that aren't catastrophic in the grand scheme.

Dante's going with me to the appointment tomorrow for moral support, but mostly just to be a chauffer as my eyes will be dilated.  He's been very encouraging and said that it will be fun to pick out frames if I get a prescription for lenses.  He's such a trooper.

I think these, or a similar style, are pretty cool: 

http://www.framesrx.com/Q120Web/color_s/01A/01AFA053.jpg

Of course I'd have to see how they look on my face!  Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I'm trying to warm up to the idea of getting glasses just in case it actually happens.

Back to the grind and feeling fuzzy

I left my (perishable) lunch sitting on my kitchen table.  Blargh.

Pittsburgh was wonderful, as usual.  It actually reminds me a bit of home, in that it's a decent sized city (both have a population of 300-400k) , but has a suburban feel to it even in the downtown area.  Also, in terms of general dynamic from an outsider point of view, Pittsburgh seems to be an overall friendly place; not abrasive and scrappy like Philadelphia.  The company was great, I finally gave guitar hero a chance and had fun, got my smiley cookie, and got to go to Half Price Books and found three books I've had a hard time finding.  Doesn't get much better than that.

I'm so cashed.  I drove straight from Pittsburgh to hockey practice in Aston last night, went to Cocco's afterwards in accordance with the requisite Mental Health Monday guidelines, engaged in a politely heated debate on the appropriate use of certain skating techniques, finally got home around 1am, then vegged until 3 because for some reason I couldn't sleep even though I was bone-tired.  Usually after I engage in a discussion with someone, whether or not I agree I at least can see where s/he is coming from.  However, for some reason I'm still baffled, which frustrates me because I don't like not understanding stuff.  Whew.  I guess I'll just need to see/do it at the next practice.

This is ridiculously cute, so please watch it:

Cat and parrot

Cockatoos are so cuddly and wonderful.

I confess...I am becoming and ever-increasingly huge fan of Paramore.  Hayley Williams is so classy.  Ok, that's all for now, folks.

"Poetry, even when apparently most fantastic, is always a revolt against artifice, a revolt, in a sense, against actuality."

James Joyce's Critical Writings are challenging.

For as far back as I can remember, I have always craved chocolate milk after a hard workout.  It was a couple years ago when I first read that chocolate milk is an excellent post-workout drink, but for some reason the thought randomly popped into my head a couple minutes ago.  Chocolate milk is fabulous and totally blog-worthy, so...yeah.  There you have it.

I didn't have to go to work today, so I vegged and was almost entirely unproductive.  I read a really great book, fed my cats, and ate a bowl of frosted mini wheats.  That's about it.

Today was the Winter Classic game, and I totally forgot to watch it!  D'oh.  Here's a cool time-lapsed video of the rink being built in Wrigley Field though:

A bowl of cereal doesn't provide enough sustenance for a marathon reader...so I'm off to feed myself.

Happee Noo Yeer!

kthxbai!

EDIT:

I'm going stir crazy because the Philadelphia Free Library's website isn't working.  How sad is that?