liberty

REQUIRED LISTENING:

REQUIRED LISTENING: Vince Guaraldi Trio, "Linus and Lucy"

One of my all-time favorite songs ever, courtesy of 1001 rules for my unborn son on 12/15/09



I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! I suddenly have the urge to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Confession: I'm such a huge Christmas dork that I carry around a thumb drive on which I have all my shorter holiday favorite movies, including but not limited to: the aforementioned, Claymation Christmas Special, A Muppet Family Christmas (!), How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Garfield's Christmas Special, etc.

Ok back to work.

luceat lux vestra

Today is December 11, 2009.  My first date with DJ was December 11, 2003.  We went to the Student Activity Center on Temple's main campus and got the bangin', but totally unauthentic, General Tso's chicken. Does it count as a date if we each used a meal off of our meal plans using our student IDs? Either way, it was the first dinner we shared together. Afterwards, we took a walk around campus. I was cold because I was wearing just a light jacket over a totally boss Mighty Mouse shirt with Gap flare jeans and Doc Martens, so we went to sit in the common area of his dorm room. He was wearing a baby blue sweater with RL Polo khakis and Adidas shell toed sneakers. It's interesting how creepily accurate my memory can be...some intricate details, without any real rhyme or reason, are just burned into my mind. It was a nice night. Unfortunately, a student had died the day before and there had just been a candlelight vigil for her; I didn't know that until the following day, so in the space of those couple hours, DJ and I just enjoyed the candles illuminating Berks Mall and Liacouras Walk on a quiet winter evening.

My, how time flies.  My, how some things change.  My, how some things stay the same.

I took a few minutes to try to analyze my thoughts, feelings, and moderate angst on this six year benchmark and I think that I have successfully identified what's going on with me. I'm actually having a breakthrough right now: for the first time since well before our breakup in May, I feel more nostalgic than sad when recalling happy times; happy times that one-by-one were stuffed back into the farthest, dustiest, most neglected corner of my recollection since the decline started happening 2+ years ago. I believe that I compartmentalized them to preserve them - for safekeeping, or something to draw upon and justify my efforts when times were especially painful and I wondered why I didn't cut and run. Maybe both.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure both of my parents think that my sadness comes from being unsure of my decision and quite frankly, think I'm mourning the loss of my relationship. I realize that I'm not, but I am frustrated that my actual feelings are so hard to articulate, and it seems that very few things I say are either expressed or interpreted accurately when I converse with my mom, so whatever. I think my dad might feel awkward if I talk about it with him and leave Mom out (mostly the "leaving Mom out" part). At the same time though, I can see their point of view: like most kids, I would withhold the really bad details beyond "oh, we had a fight but we talked it out and it's ok now!" and just tell them the cute, fuzzy details. When there were no more cute, fuzzy details, or when they were few and far between, I would either lie or say "we're both SUPER busy but really good!" That said, the extent of my gradual heartbreak was news to them. I should have been more honest with the people who love me and support me, but most importantly, I should have been honest with myself. Oh well - hindsight is 20/20 or whatever. All of that aside, even if my mom and I were on the same page during an interaction as complicated as this one, I doubt she would believe me because it seems like she often thinks she knows me better than I know myself because she's "an eye person." When I was sad after reading DJ's letter at Thanksgiving, she saw my sadness, but interpreted it in her own way. She is indeed an "eye person," but there are a myriad of things, and combination of things, I could be sad about following a 5 to 5.5 year relationship, so without asking, which she didn't, it's impossible to pinpoint the exact cocktail of grief. But...that's ok. I feel good writing all of this. Really good. I'm brand-new at letting myself be ok with maintaining my own position that differs from hers, but...I am ok with the contentment I have with my continual self-awareness and offering it into the void without criticism or judgment as often as I need a reprieve.

I'm sad because the person DJ has become is vastly different from the person he was six years ago, I changed, and we didn't grow together in our relationship. I didn't realize it until relatively recently, so the acknowledgment of the entire time during which we were sliding down a steep muddy slope just burst in and sucker punched me me all at once. That was hard, and is something with which I'm still coping, but I'm slowly but surely healing (with help). A significant source of my suffering stems from remembering, with the clarity of my memory of my little boy's large Mighty Mouse shirt with peeling screenprint and the cracked part on the instep sole of his sneakers, the way things could have been if they took a different direction, and the disappearance of the person with whom I fell in love and with whom I had imagined spending my foreseeable future. I'm also mourning the last two and a half years, during which I spent most of the time unhappy and with very little self confidence. However, even this can be seen as very tragic, it was not in vain because I know I learned a lot about myself and about what I want out of life, got wiser, and one hell of a lot stronger when I finally summoned the courage to do what was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but was best for ME and the only way to get myself out of a situation that was causing me devastating pain. It also brought me to where I am today.

I enjoy my own company and have spent a lot of time, by choice, over the past couple years in silent solitude. I like myself, but it's nice to be happy with someone else. However, I'm not used to it, so allowing myself be happy with someone is the next hurdle...but I'm ready to squeeze my eyes shut and leap.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

[A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3]


I'm not going to reread this...it's too much. So just throw a [sic] after all the mistakes kthx.


[EDIT]


Marianne Williamson wrote the passage I quoted above (not Nelson Mandela - contrary to popular belief).

It's still snowing

The forecast today called for rain with the possibility of a little snow mixed in.  I translated that to mean sleet.

Well, in Bridgeport, the snow started early this afternoon; light fluffy flakes that are continuing to fall, and should continue to fall until midnight or so. In fact, there's a winter weather advisory!  I was just thinking about how this year, I haven't really felt the insane surge of Christmas spirit I usually feel around this time.  I thought to myself: if it were snowing, I know I would more in the spirit.  Sure enough, with the efficacy of my sister's and my snow dance, the snow began to fall and I feel better now.



This is the only year of my life, as far as I can remember, that I haven't had an Advent calendar.  I need to get on that, stat.

I have had such a hard time shaking my flare from over the summer.  Usually, by this time, I'm good as new, but this time around, I'm lagging and inconsistent.  Occasionally, I have an awesome day, but more often than not, I just don't feel right.  I don't know what to do.  A couple days ago, the onset of flare symptoms started, and now I'm in pain and am having a hard time moving around.  It's bad when I can't move around much due to fatigue, but fatigue and pain? Sucks.

I don't really feel like writing. I'm gonna try to knit for a bit and maybe come back to this.

WANT:

A book-filled staircase

London-based Levitate Architects came up with this ingenious solution to a book storage problem and created a loft-like bedroom nestled under the roof of the top-floor apartment. Here’s what Levitate’s Tim Sloan had to say about the project:

The flat occupies part of the shared top floor of an existing Victorian mansion block. Our proposal extended the flat into the unused loft space above, creating a new bedroom level and increasing the floor area of the flat by approximately one third. We created a ‘secret’ staircase, hidden from the main reception room, to access a new loft bedroom lit by roof lights. Limited by space, we melded the idea of a staircase with our client’s desire for a library to form a ‘library staircase’ in which English oak stair treads and shelves are both completely lined with books. With a skylight above lighting the staircase, it becomes the perfect place to stop and browse a tome. The stair structure was designed as an upside down ‘sedan chair’ structure (with Rodrigues Associates, Structural Engineers, London) that carries the whole weight of the stair and books back to the main structural walls of the building. It dangles from the upper floor thereby avoiding any complicated neighbour issues with the floors below.

Spread some holiday cheer, one card at a time

I appreciate the sentiment, but somehow this feels...wrong-ish:

Spread some holiday cheer, one card at a time

via Gmail Blog by The Gmail Team on 12/2/09

Posted by Jason Toff, Associate Product Marketing Manager

Every year around this time I start thinking about the annual holiday email I send to friends and family members. I usually email my mom, dad, sister, friends and co-workers. But the one person who appreciates my season's greetings the most — my grandma — is stuck in the pre-digital age of snail mail. Of course, I could go to a store, aimlessly wander through the aisles, choose a card, wait in line to pay for it, go to the post office, pick up some stamps, etc., etc. — but wouldn't it be so much easier just to fill out a form and have Gmail handle the rest?

This holiday season, as a token of our appreciation to our most enthusiastic fans, we'll snail-mail a free holiday postcard on your behalf. Yes, through the mail and everything.


To send a card, visit gmail.com/holidaycard. We'll only be able to send cards to US addresses and to a limited number of people (due to limited Gmail elf availability), so be sure to request one soon.

And if you're headed home for the holidays, consider spending some "computer time" with loved ones who aren't as up-to-date with technology. With some luck, maybe this time next year you'll be able to email them a holiday card instead!
Wishing a happy holiday to you and yours!